By Peg Rosen for Ideas That Spark

It never ceases to amaze me that even after the holidays — when my kids have been gifted with just about everything their pampered little hearts could desire — they still come home with zingers like “Sam’s so lucky, he got a flat-screen TV with an X Box for his room,” or “The Millers are so cool, they got Declan a trampoline!” Sure, there’s that tiny part of me that wants to mutter something about Sam’s parents’ overindulgence or the lawsuits the Millers might soon be facing, but I’ve got a much better answer.

It came to me a couple of years ago when I was trying to explain to my younger son Noah why we couldn’t have a fancy finished basement like his friend Alec. I was in the middle of spitting out something about our malfunctioning sump pump when a big smile spread across my face and the following divinely inspired words came out of my mouth instead: “Boy, that basement sounds really cool! You are lucky to have Alec as a friend so you can go over there to play.”

Just like that the matter was settled. Noah gave me a somewhat confused smile and carried on. And I got through the obstacle course, without the need for justifications, comparisons or lectures. This nifty strategy has worked like a charm ever since. Give it a try the next time your little cherubs chime in about what their friends have and let me know how it goes. And if you have any similar tips, I’m all ears.

Peg Rosen is a freelance writer and the mother of two boys. She regularly blogs at relish-this.blogspot.

If your child is a bully, it is your responsibility to find out why and to stop it.

Written by Marie Hughes

If your child is being a bully at school, you have a responsibility to teach him or her that the bad behavior that will not be tolerated. Your child has to understand that other people are her hurt by his or her actions, and that it is very wrong to hurt other children’s feelings in an attempt to feel better about him or herself. Try to figure out why your child has turned to bullying in social situations. Chances are, your child is not a bad person. Good people make bad choices. The important thing is that you inform your child about more appropriate ways of dealing with his or her peers and social situations in the future.

First of all, if you have discovered that your child is being a bully, ask your child why. Listen carefully to the explanation. You always want to be on your child’s side first. While it is possible that your child is in the wrong, you are still his or her number one supporter, and you have to listen to what your child has to say in defense of his or her actions. Listening leads to understanding and understanding can lead to change. Your child may have felt that in order to distract children from making fun of him or her that he or she would have to bully someone else instead. You may not have known that your child had been picked on, but often bullies are the result of bullying. Your child might get defensive and say that their bullying someone simply because that person is annoying or they don’t like that person, but that excuse is usually just the surface answer for the underlying reason. Try hard to get to the root of your child’s anger and upset.
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If your child is physically violent towards other children, try to figure out where your child learned that this type of behavior was acceptable. Is there violence in your home? Does this child have an older sibling who is physically violent towards this child? Does your child spend a lot of time watching violent television programs or movies or playing violent video games? Does your child listen to music that has violent messages and song lyrics? You have to stay on top of what is going on in your kid’s life so that you can keep violent images out of it. If there’s violence in your home, then that is a major problem that you have to deal with as a family unit. Violence is completely unacceptable behavior, and it is not something that you want to pass down from generation to generation. If you were formerly in the domestic violence situation, and your child was witness to it, then you should seek professional counseling for your child so that he or she can learn to express anger without physical violence. Explain to your child that hitting, kicking, punching, fighting, and name-calling are intolerable behaviors, and make it clear that you do not support any type of violence.
Tell your child to reflect on his or her actions. Ask your child how he or she believes they would feel if someone were to beat up on or make fun of them on a regular basis? Tell your child to put him or herself in the shoes of the people that he or she is bullying. Explain that it is very wrong to intentionally hurt someone physically or emotionally. Ask your child to recall a time when he or she has felt bullied. Demand that your child apologize to the children that he or she has bullied. If your child has gotten in trouble with his teacher or the school administration as a result of being a bully, he or she should also be required to apologize to those people. Tell your child that if there is something that they want to talk about with you, you are available at any time for discussion. Oftentimes, a child who is a bully is a child with very low self-esteem and self-confidence. They feel that their only way to gain control in peer situations is by being a bully. Help your child to develop social skills by getting him or her involved in youth groups in the community or sporting activities. Try to nurture your child’s talents and dreams so that he or she does not feel the need to rebel through bullying, fighting, or making fun of others.

By Jean Tracy, MSS
Syndicated Writer for IdeaMarketers
Topic: Parents

If you’ve been searching for a truly powerful way to teach communication skills to your kids, now is the time to make it happen. The family meeting shows your children how. Look inside for 5 important rules.

Let’s pretend your kids, Jack and Jessica, bring up the problem Jack’s having with the bully next door. As a family, gather around the table to discuss it .The family meeting rules will help you.

First Rule – Listen with Respect:
Children are taught to listen without interrupting. They must repeat what the speaker says before they offer their thoughts.

Let’s say your Jack is afraid of the neighbor boy. He’s big. He’s loud, and he makes fun of Jack in front of all the other children. He calls Jack “shrimp” and “fatso.” Jack runs home in tears while all the kids laugh at him, except Jessica. She runs home to be with Jack.

Imagine Jack actually listening to Jessica’s ideas about the bully. Jack will even prove it by repeating her thoughts.

Second Rule – Speak with Respect:
Jack and Jessica will get the practice they need to share their thoughts clearly and with few words. They must avoid hogging the spotlight too.

Can you see Jessica, your chatterbox, give a brief explanation of her thoughts? As parents, you guide your children to listen, take turns, and follow President Franklin Roosevelt’s advice, “Be sincere, be brief; be seated.”

Consider pointing to a sign which says: “Listen! Repeat! Be brief!” You’ll never need to nag when they break the communication rules. You’ll just point to the sign.

Third Rule – Discuss Issues Respectfully:
Let’s say the bully teases Jack every day. The bully’s behavior and Jack’s response are the issues.

Give every family member a turn to express what they know about the bully. Find out what they think needs to be done. You’ll learn important information.

Watch Jessica as she silently looks at Jack while all the members listen to him speak. You’ve taught her to be respectful by letting him finish his thoughts.

Fourth Rule – Vote for the Best Solutions:
Each member offers respectful solutions. This keeps each member feeling involved and caring. Discuss each person’s idea. Vote for the best solutions.

Fifth Rule – Offer respectful commitments:
Each member shares a specific promise to make the bully situation better. They’re respectful because they”re sincere. The commitments are written down to review the next week.

Conclusion ~ Communication Skills, Respect, and Family Meetings:
How do the above rules teach your children respectful communication skills? Kids keep quiet while another member speaks. They learn to listen. They briefly repeat in their own words what the member before them said. Then they take their turn to speak. They express themselves with few words. How respectful is that?

Of course, you will need to decide whether to step in or let the children handle the problem. Maybe you’ll talk with the bully or with his parents. Maybe the school authorities will need to help. It’s your decision.

Can you see how the family meeting teaches your children family unity too? They’ll feel bonded within the family and protective of each other. They won’t want their sibling bullied by another kid. The family meeting promotes their love. It teaches them to become confident communicators too.

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Feel free to use this article in your newsletters, blogs, magazines, and to send to your friends when you include the following:

Jean Tracy, MSS invites you to pick up her Family Meeting Diary to note the issues you discussed, the fun events you planned, and the commitments you made while teaching your children respectful listening, speaking, and caring.

By Jean Tracy, MSS
Syndicated Writer for IdeaMarketers
Topic: Parents

Would you like 3 parenting tips on how to discipline without criticism? You can stop being your child’s critical judge and start building character now. Look inside to find out how.

I’ve done my share of criticizing. It didn’t help me or build character in my children. I knew I had to stop and I did. Today I’ll share how you can stop criticizing too, but first let’s look at why criticism is such a poor way to discipline.

Discipline Tips for Parents – What’s Wrong with Criticism?

Take yourself for example. Did your parents criticize you? If so, were you grateful because you understood they meant it for your own good? Or did you feel:
1. Ashamed because you failed again
2. Guilty because you disappointed them
3. Angry because no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t please them

Criticism is like corrosive acid. It eats away at your child’s confidence. It eats away at your child’s initiative. And, without confidence and initiative, your child stops trying. He fears making mistakes. He fears your criticism.

Realize that your child goes inside his head, just like you did when you were a child, and thinks thoughts like:
1. I didn’t do it on purpose. Dad’s such a grouch.
2. She’s always mad at me. I can’t stand listening to her.
3. I wish I had different parents.

I know you love your child. I know you regret criticizing. And I know you don’t want these outcomes for your child either. So what can you do instead of criticizing?

3 Parenting Tips – How to Discipline without Criticism:

Because you’re a rational person, you can pause and think. Make character building your goal.

First Parenting Tip – use your rational mind to calm your feelings about your child’s behavior. Tell yourself truthful thoughts like:
A. She didn’t do it just to frustrate me.
B. She’ll shut me out if I keep criticizing.
C. I’ll talk to her later after I’ve calmed down and thought things through.

Second Parenting Tip – think of better ways to talk about the problem like:
A. Please clean up your snacks before I fix dinner.
B. When you leave your toys scattered in the house and go out to play, I feel irritated. Please pick them up now.
C. Ask your child, “How can you make this situation better?”

Notice, there was no name calling or put downs. You didn’t whine, nag, yell, or lecture either. The first statement spoke directly. The second expressed your feeling. The third asked your child to come up with a solution. Why not mix and match these suggestions when you’re calm and ready to speak.

Third Parenting Tip – look for ways to praise.

Criticism sticks its finger in the eye of openness and clamps it shut. Praise opens your child’s heart to look for ways to please. When there’s no problem to solve, use specific praise. Why specific praise? You’ll want your child to know you mean it. He’ll know when you tie it to something he did well like:
A. I like how you (cleaned up after your snacks today.)
B. I’m pleased that you (picked up your toys before going out to play.)
C. You played so well (with your little brother this afternoon. No wonder he looks up to you.)

Conclusion: 3 Parenting Tips – How to Discipline without Criticism

Criticism is like course sandpaper scraping away at your child’s self esteem. Praise is the flowing of a gentle brook, beautiful to hear and nourishing to your child’s self esteem.

You have a rational mind. You can turn the sandpaper into a gentle brook. You can control your feelings. You have the power to discipline without criticism. You know how to praise and build character too.

Feel free to use this article in your newsletters, magazines, and blogs as long as you include the information below:

Jean Tracy, MSS invites you to pick up her e-book, Discipline Tips for Parents with 41 specific solutions for 41 common behaviors. If you do, you’ll get the love and respect you deserve. You’ll be raising children with character too.

Subscribe to Jean Tracy’s Free Parenting Newsletter and receive 80 fun activities to share with your kids.